Though I should be ashamed to say, even though there's very little in my life that I am ashamed of, I am an addict ... or maybe, I was an addict ... or maybe, I'm a recovering addict, or maybe Addict is just another word for nothing left to lose (shit ... that's freedom ... I forgot). Either way, since the age of 16 - 17 I enjoyed changing my perception of the world by consumming mass quantities of anti-depressents and pain-killers. Nothing like "Mother's little helper" to "get you through the night". MUST STOP QUOTING SONGS!!!!!! Anywho, while it lasted, I will not lie, it was wonderful. If you have the means and some modicum of self-control, pills are not a bad choice for your frequent flyer miles. Will you crash? Eventually, we all do. But, hell, what a ride and you never see it coming. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on your perception of high risk behavior, the pills had to stop. The odd looks from pharmacists cashing in the same scripts months after months can be a little daunting. And lord knows, this white broad can't do no time. So, I'm straight. Been straight for about six months. Is it hard? Some days are damn near impossible and have me searching my old hiding places for pill residue (always a pleasant picture, licking an old medicine bottle) and some are okay, though I never realized feelings, oh, oh, oh, feelings ... really hurt. To top all this off, my husband was forced to give up cigarettes after 25 years when his cardiologists said he might want to live past 50 (he's 42 now) I wasn't so sure it was worth it considering the years you lose are bound to be the drooling and shitting years, and who wants to see that. He disagreed and being the dutiful, attentive and loving wife he married 20 years ago, was forced to stop smoking as well. So, dear readers, no pills to numb, no cigarettes to get lost behind the smoke and nothing to help me stay sane inside insanity (did it again ... sorry). Well, I will say one thing, once an addict, always an addict. So, if it's not pills and cigarettes than on-line poker, food and trying to write, will have to do. Because, when the "white knight is talking backwards, and the red queen's "off with her head" just remember what the good book say's ... feed your head. Or, go ask Alice, I think she'll know.