Who is it? Her voice was shaky and foreign to her, the continued result of the pills she took to keep her unconscience.
Feel like talking?, he said.
Christ, is that what you woke me up for?, she was bitter, angry. This was not the first time he tried this crap.
Well we're going to have to talk sooner or later.
There it was, that air of authority that his tone took on whenever he got exasperated with her. God, she hated it. The only male authority in her life had been her Father and he was always too drunk or in jail to use any tone.
Later, we'll talk later, she grumbled.
You can't sleep forever, he bitched as he closed the door and she was once again immersed in blessed darkness.
Maybe not, she thought as she closed her eyes. But shit if she couldn't try.
This pattern of him disturbing her sleep continued for two more days until finally she got sick of his daily requests to talk about what happened. At one point, he even threatened to leave for good and never come back.
She thought about it. Thought that would be just fine.
On the third day when he tried again she begrudgingly got up.
She wouldn't change though or wash her stank ass. He didn't deserve better than her filthy hair and dirty pajamas.
How're you feeling?, he asked and once again she could tell he really didn't give a shit, he just had nothing else to say.
What type of fucking question is that?, she felt the same old anger growing.
How do you think I feel; how do you feel?, you condescending mother-fucker, she thought but didn't say.
Fine. It's been awhile.
Yep.
Are you still having those nightmares?
Nope, she lied.
Really, he said, more statement than question.
You're kidding, right?, she asked sarcastically, I said no.
Her skin started to itch again like it always did when she got aggravated.
One only had to look at the scars on her arms to see she got aggravated often.
Let me ask you something? She struggled to speak and remain still at the same time.
What do you want from me?
What I've always wanted, just to talk this out.
I'm tired.and we're not getting anywhere. I'm going back to bed.
The Xanax she had downed when she realized there was no avoiding him was just kicking in.
Sure, if you're tired, sleep. Ill be here when you wake up.
But, will I?, she thought.
Before long, she was dreaming again. Only they weren't really dreams. They were the same old nightmares she'd been having for years.
She was trapped. The locations sometimes changed but it was usually a large building as tall as the sky or a huge cruise ship with hundreds of decks. But the terror she felt was always the same.
She was running and couldn't find him and couldn't find the way to where he might be.
The sheer panic was the worst. No matter how far she ran or how close she came, he wasn't there.
Most times her mind couldn't handle the terror and her sub-conscience would force her awake.
Tonight was different. She couldn't wake up. And, this time it wasn't only him she couldn't find but her kids and the dog too. And so she just kept running.
Finally, when she thought she'd be stuck in this limbo forever, there was the blinding light that broadcast his arrival.
I heard crying, he said sweetly.
You wish. I told you the last time you hurt me I'd never cry for you again.
Yea, you did.
Fuck you. You left.
I never left, he said, his voice barely above a whisper. I'm still here.
Only part of you, she whispered, the truth of the statement to painful to say at a normal timber.
Want to talk?
Dear God, she screamed at him, why don't you just leave me the fuck alone?
Can't.
Why the fuck not?, she asked, knowing the answer before he even said the words.
Because I love you.
Mother of God, she prayed to a deity she no longer believed in, make it stop.
I miss you, he whispered. The feel of your body, the smell of your skin, that look in your eyes when you still thought we mattered.
I wasn't the one who fucked up, she spat, realizing the tears she swore shed never spill again were now flowing freely.
I know ... I know, he implored. But what do you want me to do about it? It's done, over. I can't go back in time and change things.
Just go away, she heard herself say and wished she could take back the words the second they left her lips.
Is that really what you want?, he asked. Are you sure?
Yes, she said softly and for the first time in a long time, without malice.
Once more, she found herself alone and in the dark.
Before long, the door opened.
Get some sleep? Dr. Murphy asked.
A little.
Feel like talking?
If I talk to you, will you stop bothering me?
Maybe.
Lets start with what happened.
Inside she screamed. She tried to hang on to the image of him that day.
Helping the girls into the car. Walking to the back to lift Chunkys fat butt up and in the hatchback. Of course, he didn't have a coat on. Just because it was 45 degrees didn't mean he'd put one on. He was too macho (or at least he thought so) to wear some damn jacket.
She tried to remember the feel of his lips on hers as he kissed her goodbye, turned and said miss you much, love you more, see you soon
It was impossible.
Do you remember anything?
Yes, she whispered.
Tell me, he said.
Mike and the girls were driving home after going shopping and a drunk driver going the wrong way, crashed head first into their car.
And, he pushed.
And, they died and they're not coming back, she lied again.
Good, he said, sounds like you're finally accepting what happened.
I'm a little tired. May I lie down?
Sure, I'll check in on you later. And, with that Dr. Murphy left her alone.
That night her dreams returned. Only this time it was no nightmare This time she recognized her surroundings and didn't panic.
She was home again. Their home. The girls were playing in their room, Chunk, her english bulldog was asleep at her feet and Mike was next to her in the bed they'd shared for 20 years.
God, he felt so good, so right. She hadn't felt this safe since they'd met so long ago and she immediately knew he would always be there for her. No matter what.
Thought you left? , she said.
Just had to say goodbye one more time.
Don't go, she begged.
I thought you wanted me too?
Never ... ever.
Got to, Babe. Places to go. People to see.
Will I see you again? the tears automatically came.
Sure you will.
Where?
In your dreams. In the light.
Miss you much, Babe, love you more, see you soon.
Thank you to Ran Valerhon for the use of his beautiful image. Check out more of his work at "Valerhon.com
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