Hey folks, sorry it took me so long to update. You know, I thought I could do this, I really did. I figured working 3 days a week, would give me plenty of time to work as the "Tampa Bay Buzz Examiner" for the lowest paying online site in the known world, and pour out my heart on this page, at the same time. Now, I'm not so sure. I'm just so tired all the time. But, is that from working on getting my name in print and getting my soul in check or is it because of the tremendous amount of work it takes to deal with the other life-draining forces in my life (my husband, nieces and nephews). I just don't know.
I mean, as writers, we have to admit, part of the attraction, beyond exorcising the demons that have laid hidden and dormant so long in our psyche's, is the possibility that we will see our name in print, point to ourselves on some top ten list, or just touch somebody who feels the words, as we do. But, at what point do we say, you know what, I know I'm good ... I know I can write ... but, I'm just tired of waiting for someone else to recognize it?
You know what, don't listen to me. Take as long as is necessary to attain your own individual goals. I'm just pissy from fighting all day with my husband.
It just seems like I've been fighting and pushing at barriers in my life, for soooo long, that I just don't know if I can do it anymore.
Now wait, don't start calling suicide prevention lines. Shit, I'm way too chicken for that. I'm just tired of fighting.
Tired of fighting my husband over ever second that I'm not paying attention to him, tired of dealing with a family that is soooo needy, sometimes it feels like I'm pulled in 20 different directions and tired of having to justify this need in me to express myself some other way than working, cooking, cleaning and worrying. Is it so terrible to be good at something and need to pursue it, even if it leads nowhere? When does your life become your own, or was it ever?
Anyway, sorry to bring your asses down, but that's just how I feel. I am not stupid. I realize, that being the child of an alcholic, whose family was as dysfunctional as anyone in a Tennessee Williams play, gives you some type of psychosis that makes you prone to depression and, actually, prohibits you from enjoying your own life. No kidding, I read this in a real book!
But, realizing that does nothing to put your life right, to make happy memories that can sustain you and take you through to the end. I'm tired, alright. Tired of being unhappy, but, mostly, tired of not being able to enjoy a pretty good life, because of something I had no control over.
Who knows, maybe I need a psychiatrist. Nah, hell with that. I hate shrinks. Always have, always will. Ever since family therapy where they bared my father's soul all over their cheap beige carpet in front of his 7 year old daughter. But, that's a story for another day.
3 comments:
I feel you. As a divorced mom of 16 years old twins with a bipolar boyfriend, I am exhausted. I have given so much that I am not sure there is much more of me left. And for the sacrifices in my career and personal development, I get constant friction from my inner circle. Depression? Hormonal? I have chased solutions for resurrecting myself. My mother raised myself and my two brothers on her own and she constantly reminds me that soon I will be able to reinvent myself when the kids go to college...After all that is what she did and now she is a very successful entrepreneur and active community member with a full social calendar. But I am afraid that this blob won't have the energy to do a thing...a waste of a CPA and MBA. The exhaustion paired with my realization that my passion is in a more creative field is just another hurdle to conquer. And even though I am not ACOA, I have dated 2 alcoholics and 1 bipolar that has left me just about as broken. This angel is trading in her wings used to save others for an oxygen mask. I should have paid closer attention to the pre-flight instructions back when I used to have the energy and time to travel.
I'm glad you could relate to my post. I'm still tired and the worst part is, I think this is my life. So, as they say, "If life gives you lemons, add some arsenic or keep trying". Anyway, that's what I do and writing always help. Thanks, so much, for the comment.
I found you through Anne Rice's Facebook page and live in Tampa...glad I found you and will check in to see if you find the answer :)
Post a Comment