Friday blues ...

Feeling a little blue today. Trying to figure out why. I guess it doesn't really take much thought. I got a call from child welfare ... again ... saying that the child I love and raised and had returned to her bio-mom five years ago (after living with us for 8) has run away from her new foster home. And, naturally, we are still unable to help because our oldest child, who we loved and raised for the past 12 years, than adopted, ran away from us 3 weeks ago and called child welfare to file a report, making it, by law, impossible to take in her sister. It's all a freakin mess and I'm too clean for this. All I wanted, all those years ago, was to have children of my own who would love me as I loved them. And, MAYBE, ... just maybe ... not have to worry about me or my husband should one of us become sick or alone in our old age. I guess after years of love, support and attention, that was a little too much to ask for ... silly me. Right now, I'd just be happy if everyone would leave us alone to absorb, adjust and repair. I always knew, one day, it would be just my husband and I, I just didn't think it would happen this soon. It takes some getting used to. It has it's great points. Walking around almost naked (naked is too much for both of us after 20 years ... bad for the eyes), eating whenever we want and, strangely enough, being the center of each other's universe, is still kinda great. On the other hand, it can be a little boring and you kind of live everday like the other shoe's going to drop any second. Like the police are going to knock and say something happened to one of the kids or my husband's going to get sick again from all the stress, and I'll really be alone. Morbid ... I know. Self-pitying ... you bet your sweet bippy. But, every once in a while I just have to vent. It's either this or a rifle and a tower. Good God, what I wouldn't give for some percocet. Nothing like some oxy-codone to numb the pain and make you forget you ever considered yourself a Mother. But, none of that for me ... not anymore. I done took that train to it's last stop, got out and pushed for another couple of miles and than tried to swallow it. Nope, pain is a part of life .... it's okay to feel the pain ... after the pain comes the peace. What bullshit. Get me a pill.